Well it's been a pretty emotional few weeks. I suppose I am writing this because it's therapeutic.My grandma, who I was very close to just passed away yesterday. It has just been such a strange experience. She was just fine in May. She had given me her car because she just bought a brand new super nice sporty car. She was cruizin around town, hanging out with friends, basically doing just fine.
She had taken a fall in her garage and that's when it all started. She bruised her ribs and was in the hospital, and basically it was just a downward spiral from there. She lived in Wisconsin, and suddenly told my mom that she needed to find a place for her out here. We knew she wasn't doing all that well when she said that, because she has lived on her own in the same house for 50 years after her husband died young. So my mom went out there to help her and bring her back here. She set up an assisted living home for her that was close by. We were all so excited to have her close by and be able to see her more often. Unfortunately the day that she got here she had to go to the hospital because of a low oxygen level. We weren't really sure what was going on. It turns out she had pneumonia and it got bad real fast. When I went to see her for the first time at the hospital it was hard for me to see her like that, and then it just became torture seeing her. It's hard going from no health problems to this. It was shocking. And to see someone you love in so much pain is just heart breaking. And being pregnant has not helped. Yesterday it was decided to take her off the oxygen because it was barely keeping her alive, and she didn't want that. It didn't take very long and she went peacefully.
It is definitely a relief after seeing her that way, but it is just hard that she's gone. But I will say I would choose a long healthy life and then pass quickly, than to be in and out of the hospital for years. I don't know when it will really sink in. I can't really even explain the feeling I have. When something like this happens it brings you right back to what you say you believe and what you would say to someone who has lost someone. I think most people believe in an after life, and I think that's because our spirits just somehow know that that is true. We may differ in what we think it will be like, but I don't doubt that she is happy and really is in a better place. Someone (who doesn't believe in God) once said to me that religion is really just to help make us feel better. And I know what she was trying to say, but I thought yep I think that's exactly right. God knows that when we believe and have faith in Him that we can cope in this life. I really could just let myself cry and cry and cry and be so depressed about this, but because of the hope I have I don't have to be in despair.
Now if I can only live like my grandma did. She was the sweetest woman ever, the absolute best mom and grandma you could have, and so selfless. She never made anything about herself. She paid for my college, and much much more. She was never looking for any recognition for all she did for us. In fact after she gave me her car for free (which she could have gotten a few thousand dollars for), I sent her a gift card, (and I was a little embarrassed about it because it was not comparable to a car) she was upset with me for spending my money "like that." She was always worried whenever anyone spent anything on her, even though she spoils us rotten. It has made me realize life is fragile and that I want to love like she did and to look back on my life and know I was a good person. Thank you grandma for being such a great example to us all.
I think I would classify her as "salt of the Earth." I am so glad she was my grandma, and that we had so many wonderful years. I will always miss her dearly, but am trying to be grateful for all the time we did have.
A while ago we decided that one of the babies would share the same middle name as my grandma. I am so glad I was able to tell her when she was healthy and understood. I hope our kids will be able to share in the love and appreciation that we have for her.
